My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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