I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
