I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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