I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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