Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
