I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
