I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
