We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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