I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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