I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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