Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Reggie can tackle my bush.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
