i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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