who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What a dumb baby whore.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
