ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
