I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
