someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
