i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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