I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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