I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
