never play flip cup with pint glasses
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Bring me that man meat
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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