Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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