First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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