I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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