I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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