Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
