my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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