sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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