If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
