i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
