i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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