My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize