Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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