just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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