Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
