I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
