I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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