I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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