Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize