He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
