Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
