im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
