i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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