I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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