You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
