Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
