Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
