I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
