you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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