this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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