never play flip cup with pint glasses
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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