I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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