I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize