So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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