Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
