my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
