John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Terrible idea I love it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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