can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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