8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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