I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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