I think I won the penis lottery.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
