"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
