this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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