this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
